Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Easy sorry

People make mistakes.

Openly, discreetly.

Towards his self, towards a friend, towards people.

Sorry uttered.
Some said it easily. Like the flowing river.
Saying it again and again, but the meaning of the word only ends between the lips, never the wrong's heart.

It is meaningless when it's an empty sorry.

Without desire to be better, without a want to change the situation.
Without any thought of doesnt want to repeat the same hurtful feeling that we cause to other ever again.

A teacher once taught me a hard lesson.
He hit my hand with a thick roll of paper loudly in the class. He walked so fast to the teachers' room, making me running before him. I apologize to him again and again because i fell asleep during his class.
Then he said "thousand times sorry are not enough!"
Thinking hard of what to say in the nick of time, i hold the door which he intended to slam in front of me "i promise not to fall asleep again. I promise to do better during your lesson. I promise to get good result in your subject".
He said nothing, but i can see he's calmed a bit, and he shut the door slowly, leaving me apalled at the school's corridor.
From that day until I finished my secondary school, I do not fall asleep again in his class, and it took me lots of strength.

That was the day when i learn that saying sorry is not enough. It is meaningless when we repeat the same mistake again, because it's just an empty word that we said.

Do not hurt people by just your sorry, because it's going to hurt much more when you repeat the same mistake, and when the situation from before doesnt seem improving.

True, we shouldnt live by people's expectation.
But please, make what we said is meaningful, and sound.

Some will still love you much eventhough they are hurt.
But have some pride to prove yourself worthy,
There is no truer word other than the act of the speaker.

Word, always is coupled with attitude.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

a book club?

the first train passed by without me, intentionally not riding it..

it's so full and I don't have the need to rush  because it's my off day. I continue reading a book that i bring along.

the next train comes, and from outside of the glass window i can tell that it's also full.. the station officer announces that the next train will come unfortunately only after 15 minutes. tired of waiting and i want to go home to see special someone as fast as i can, i board the train right in front of me and get into the women coach.

it's a crowded morning train as always. no empty seat. i stand, and decided to continue reading while standing in the middle of the crowd. jolts from the train don't stop me from reading. stations passed, the train is getting more and more crowded, until i don't even have the space to open my book to read. so i close it and hold it tight, while my finger still wedge between the pages to mark.

someone tapped my shoulder. without thinking, i turned my head and a petite woman smiled at me.
"mumblesmumblesmumbles".. eh? i don't hear a thing. she repeats,"minat membaca?"
oohh.. haha. yups.. and she introduced a pocket version of La Tahzan book.. and the taaruf went on and on..

we're of the same age, but she's a newly wed just 2 months before. she's excited to know that i come from neighbouring country. she commutes everyday to sell food, to support her family. no chance of continuing her studies due to financial problem, but she seems calm and grateful with her current life. i don't know why, but discreetly i feel inferior to her. it seems like my education level, financial state and other worldly things are nothing compared to how He chose her, and she looked ridha and content with what she has right now. her serene face and sweet demeanor results in us exchanging phone numbers, bid farewell while hugging each other tightly, like we've known each other long before.

I reached my destination first before her.
and I alight the train with a happy heart because He, through the woman, just made my day..
As always  :)

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

First row

Cukuplah ganjaran Allah yg membuat kita bergerak berlumba- lumba ke hadapan.

Cukuplah janji-janji Allah yg membuat kita sanggup bersentuh bahu bersama yg lain di dalam saf yg sama.

Cukuplah kemenangan Islam membuat kita rela mengikut imam yg satu.

Cukuplah syurga Allah yang membuat kita meninggalkan pekerjaan yg melalaikan untuk sujud bertemu Dia.

Tiada itsar dalam ibadah.

Kita tak mahu menjadi orang yg rugi.

Monday, September 1, 2014

masking emotions

some show up strong, indifferent face to cover torn hearts hiding behind.

they might seem cold, heartless.

they choose not to expose what they feel for fear of their reputation.

namely, status as a doctor, or anyone with authority.

empathy, as what we always trained to be, is never the same as sympathy.

the way you express it is different.

in this psych rotation, we try to uncover scathed souls.
 to delved with their personalities, their thoughts and problems. 
one might not be able to avoid the circumstances where a patient's situation touches our hearts.
the care, concern and endless support from family..
how old couples still going strong taking care of their mentally disordered but growing old child.
some doctors quickly dismiss dramas in front of their eyes.
some did it because they couldn't care much. no empathy whatsoever.
but to think kindly of them, one might think they did it for fear of breaking their own hearts after watching such care and concern and so-called 'drama'.

there's this situation that i had..
when in polyclinic for psych, an old man and woman came in.. aging more than half of the decade, bringing their son, which is older than me. mentally retarded but getting better, the son couldnt take care of himself without his parents' help.
the father taking out a note that the father prepared, consisting of his son behaviour at home.
neatly written, he read it out loud with tremors as he himself is getting old..
the doctor quickly cuts the father down, discontinuing what the father wanted to read...
then the father took out another note that had his son's medication names and dosage.
the doctor acted like previously. and me watching couldnt help but to pity the father's effort.
but when they're out of the room.. the doctor said, ''i pity them actually.. i couldnt think of who's going to take care of the son when the parents are pass away.."
then i realized that the doctor actually do sympathize with them..

but then this dear friend of mine says..
"why didnt he show his emotion or empathy or sympathy whatsoever in front of them instead of talking about it behind their back?
the patient and the parent wouldnt know that the doctor actually do empathized with them..because what they saw in front of them is a doctor who cut out what the father tried to say, and with no feelings at all..what's the use of talking about it afterward.. "

and that made me think..

though we might want to hide our emotion because we want to gain people's respect or securing our reputation, sometimes we have to show them, just because.
warm hearts enliven other's too.
cold hearts shut the other's down.

psychiatry is not easy.

so as treating souls.


Sunday, August 3, 2014

berlapang dada to itsar

وَالَّذِينَ تَبَوَّؤُوا الدَّارَ وَالْإِيمَانَ مِن قَبْلِهِمْ يُحِبُّونَ مَنْ هَاجَرَ إِلَيْهِمْ وَلَا يَجِدُونَ فِي صُدُورِهِمْ حَاجَةً مِّمَّا أُوتُوا وَيُؤْثِرُونَ عَلَى أَنفُسِهِمْ وَلَوْ كَانَ بِهِمْ خَصَاصَةٌ وَمَن يُوقَ شُحَّ 
 نَفْسِهِ فَأُوْلَئِكَ هُمُ الْمُفْلِحُون
Dan orang-orang yang telah menempati kota Madinah dan telah beriman (Anshor) sebelum (kedatangan) mereka (Muhajirin), mereka (Anshor) 'mencintai' orang yang berhijrah kepada mereka (Muhajirin). Dan mereka (Anshor) tiada menaruh keinginan dalam hati mereka terhadap apa-apa yang diberikan kepada mereka (Muhajirin); dan mereka mengutamakan (orang-orang Muhajirin), atas diri mereka sendiri, sekalipun mereka dalam kesusahan. Dan siapa yang dipelihara dari kekikiran dirinya, mereka itulah orang orang yang beruntung 
(Al Hasyr : 9)

belum apa-apa dah mencintai saudara mereka yang bakal datang.
hanya bekal dengan iman je yg hubungkan mereka. 
tak perlu program taakhi, tak perlu taaruf berjela- jela, tak perlu games ukhuwwah. 

tak harapkan apa- apa pun dari mereka yang datang.
buah tangan? tak perlu. datang je dengan hati yang gembira, dengan apa adanya.
sedia menerima.

mereka mengutamakan yang datang instead of diri sendiri.
biar diri kurang, yang penting muhajirin cukup. 
tak sanggup tengok saudara sendiri kekurangan.

Allahu :(
dorang pelihara diri dari jadi kedekut. that is why mereka jadi org beruntung.

satu ayat. cukuplah. nangis banyak :(

tu belum lagi baca banyak2 apa yg ansar dah sacrifice utk muhajirin =.=

pengsan banyak.

kalau sikit- sikit pun berkira, cemana nk tolong org kat Gaza? buat rally sikit dah mengeluh panas segala macam. padahal dorg kat sana rumah pun takde. nak apa lagi?

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Of death

Salam alaik.

Revolving in hospitals for nearly a year right now.
ICUs, emergency units, operation theatres.
Old people, adolescents, babies.

Social networks sure make news travel fast.
She's in a comma, he's involved in traffic accident.
She's found dead, he's in stage 4 of cancer.
Young age never be a warantee.

Seeing, hearing, knowing.
sometimes thought crosses our mind that we dont wanna die like this, like that.
But we'll never be sure of how we gonna die.

"we all gonna die.whether it's by apache, or cardiac disease. I prefer the apache", said a figure.

By probability stated by a person, "we're going to die while doing things that we usually do."

Ye la. Kalau 24 jam main game, of course probability tinggi utk mati time main game.
Kalau 24 jam travelling, so it's while travelling la kan.
And so forth.

Kita abid, kita khalifah.
If kita tengah buat what we supposed to do, so that's it.

Above all, let's pray for husnul khatimah.
Tapi, our daily lives to kene make sure betul la kan.

P/s: it's been ages since last post. Ada kat instagram anyway.