i think i don't deserve it

a simple thank you that is.

it's been less than a week i'm back in my hometown. but so many things occupying each day.
the main job: errand girl. or precisely, supir kereta (ehem. driver maksudnya).
turun- turun klia terus bawak kereta to replace the previous driver yg actually tengah demam. tapi happy je la because seeing them after a while and rewarded with teh tarik & mee goreng mamak tengah2 malam tu ;)

i have this complex.

sangat2 tak konfiden bawak kereta, especially bila tak tahu direction n takde orang nak bagi direction n takde orang nak tolong tengokkan gps. (trauma kes sesat kat putrajaya last raya + jumpa jalan mati yg scary +  gps phone abis bateri + tak ingat alamat/contacts rumah nak pegi + malam2 + pegi balai polis tanya direction pun tak membantu sangat =.= )

then comes this.

to bring my big brother to the hospital for his rehab/physio after hamstring surgery, twice a week. and totally need directions to go there. worst, he sits at the front, and before, tak pernah pulak kite drive kalau dia naik kereta yg sama. my family has this simple rule. org yg paling tua dalam kereta yg akan bawak kereta tu, tak kesah kereta sape. except kalau the oldest tu bagi permission kat org lain yg bawak.

banyak jugakla kena tegur ngan mak bila drive. she sits at the back, but never leans. she sat straight up, ready to bagi instructions kalau2 ada tak kena =.=
and banyak kali jugak my brother needs to give precise instruction kalau2 sendiri tak alert.
and most of the time, mood tak best pagi2. banyak bebel kat driver lain, pastu banyak kali menguap, banyak kali betulkan spec, tangan tak sampai time nak bayar tol & amik tiket parking (we changed car, so we dont have smart tag in our car that one day), and we dont even turn on the radio! sangatla aneh dalam kereta tu.

after going to and fro the hospital, this one day we sent him back home. (he lives just few blocks away from us, same taman). mak wanna plant some daun ketumbar at his house, preparing some food, etc since he can't do much due to his leg condition. i helped out. tapi tak banyak sangat kot.

then came the parting part, as me n mak want to go back home after finishing the chores.
he sat at the sofa in the living room since entering the house because he cant move much. we want to depart, he's still there. but then, looking up from his laptop, he said, "terima kasih~"

i don't know whether it's his standard speech after people helping out at his house or not, but hearing it for the first time in this situation, i almost stopped in my steps. these two simple words struck me much that time, although i don't know whether he's saying it to mak only, or both of us.

bawak kereta balik rumah, sampai umah, serius terngiang2.
and sangat2 fikir balik,
how was I, while 'helping' him out this few days. i put inverted commas because of these next questions.
what kind of face did i make all this while? muka macam terpaksa kena tolong ke? muka happy ke? muka takde perasaan ke? muka buat2 suka ke? muka betul2 ikhlas ke?

ikhlas?

huaaaaaaaaaaaa~

and so,

i think i don't deserve the 'terima kasih'.

astaghfirullah, astaghfirullah, astaghfirullah.

serius lebur kalau tak ikhlas =.=


sangat2 terasa this thing bila balik umah.
qudwah dengan keluarga. akhlak dengan mereka.


sangat2 teringat this surah while being with them.

"Wahai manusia! Sesungguhnya engkau sentiasa berpenat-lelah (menjalankan keadaan hidupmu) dengan sedaya upayamu hinggalah (semasa engkau) kembali kepada Tuhanmu, kemudian engkau tetap menemui balasan apa yang engkau telah usahakan itu (tercatit semuanya). Kemudian sesiapa yang diberi menerima surat amalnya dengan tangan kanannya, Maka ia akan dihisab dengan cara yang mudah dan ringan, Dan ia akan pergi kepada keluarganya (yang beriman) dengan sukacita."

(al-insyiqaq: 6-9)

may Allah bless us all. bukan kat sini je, tapi kat akhirat nanti nak sama2 jugak masuk syurga.

salam alaik.