i think i don't deserve it

a simple thank you that is.

it's been less than a week i'm back in my hometown. but so many things occupying each day.
the main job: errand girl. or precisely, supir kereta (ehem. driver maksudnya).
turun- turun klia terus bawak kereta to replace the previous driver yg actually tengah demam. tapi happy je la because seeing them after a while and rewarded with teh tarik & mee goreng mamak tengah2 malam tu ;)

i have this complex.

sangat2 tak konfiden bawak kereta, especially bila tak tahu direction n takde orang nak bagi direction n takde orang nak tolong tengokkan gps. (trauma kes sesat kat putrajaya last raya + jumpa jalan mati yg scary +  gps phone abis bateri + tak ingat alamat/contacts rumah nak pegi + malam2 + pegi balai polis tanya direction pun tak membantu sangat =.= )

then comes this.

to bring my big brother to the hospital for his rehab/physio after hamstring surgery, twice a week. and totally need directions to go there. worst, he sits at the front, and before, tak pernah pulak kite drive kalau dia naik kereta yg sama. my family has this simple rule. org yg paling tua dalam kereta yg akan bawak kereta tu, tak kesah kereta sape. except kalau the oldest tu bagi permission kat org lain yg bawak.

banyak jugakla kena tegur ngan mak bila drive. she sits at the back, but never leans. she sat straight up, ready to bagi instructions kalau2 ada tak kena =.=
and banyak kali jugak my brother needs to give precise instruction kalau2 sendiri tak alert.
and most of the time, mood tak best pagi2. banyak bebel kat driver lain, pastu banyak kali menguap, banyak kali betulkan spec, tangan tak sampai time nak bayar tol & amik tiket parking (we changed car, so we dont have smart tag in our car that one day), and we dont even turn on the radio! sangatla aneh dalam kereta tu.

after going to and fro the hospital, this one day we sent him back home. (he lives just few blocks away from us, same taman). mak wanna plant some daun ketumbar at his house, preparing some food, etc since he can't do much due to his leg condition. i helped out. tapi tak banyak sangat kot.

then came the parting part, as me n mak want to go back home after finishing the chores.
he sat at the sofa in the living room since entering the house because he cant move much. we want to depart, he's still there. but then, looking up from his laptop, he said, "terima kasih~"

i don't know whether it's his standard speech after people helping out at his house or not, but hearing it for the first time in this situation, i almost stopped in my steps. these two simple words struck me much that time, although i don't know whether he's saying it to mak only, or both of us.

bawak kereta balik rumah, sampai umah, serius terngiang2.
and sangat2 fikir balik,
how was I, while 'helping' him out this few days. i put inverted commas because of these next questions.
what kind of face did i make all this while? muka macam terpaksa kena tolong ke? muka happy ke? muka takde perasaan ke? muka buat2 suka ke? muka betul2 ikhlas ke?

ikhlas?

huaaaaaaaaaaaa~

and so,

i think i don't deserve the 'terima kasih'.

astaghfirullah, astaghfirullah, astaghfirullah.

serius lebur kalau tak ikhlas =.=


sangat2 terasa this thing bila balik umah.
qudwah dengan keluarga. akhlak dengan mereka.


sangat2 teringat this surah while being with them.

"Wahai manusia! Sesungguhnya engkau sentiasa berpenat-lelah (menjalankan keadaan hidupmu) dengan sedaya upayamu hinggalah (semasa engkau) kembali kepada Tuhanmu, kemudian engkau tetap menemui balasan apa yang engkau telah usahakan itu (tercatit semuanya). Kemudian sesiapa yang diberi menerima surat amalnya dengan tangan kanannya, Maka ia akan dihisab dengan cara yang mudah dan ringan, Dan ia akan pergi kepada keluarganya (yang beriman) dengan sukacita."

(al-insyiqaq: 6-9)

may Allah bless us all. bukan kat sini je, tapi kat akhirat nanti nak sama2 jugak masuk syurga.

salam alaik.

it's killing me

hari ni jakarta banjir.

and i suppose to have my weekly meeting (read:liqa') tonight.

though my street wasn't affected, less than 50 metre away from my house is (present tense~!) about 1m deep. and yes, we suppose to have our disaster management class for today, and it was cancelled due to this situation. how apt =.=

the venue wasn't that far from my house. around 15 minutes of cab if there's no traffic jam. but then, between my house and the venue, there are roads and highway that's located below my place's level, resulting the flood situation thus separating us away. therefore, dapat izin kena online malam ni :(

ada orang maybe happy. sebab leh bersenang2 online je kat rumah. without having to spend money and time to travel, sleep at other's place, etc.

tapi,

tak sama ganjaran untuk orang yang duduk dengan orang yang keluar rumah.
tak sama ruh duduk sama- sama dengan hanya join online.
sehebat mana usaha kita, tetap tak sama dengan yang paling ideal.

teringat time perhimpunan besar recently.
muwajih tu time first slot dia cam dengan sarkastik suruh je orang yang ngantuk2 ni tido je terus kejap 5 minit so that lepas tu segar balik untuk dengar pengisian. tak larat dia tahan gelak tengok orang struggle tahan ngantuk.
in the next slot, the lovely besides me cam ngantuk yg sangat dahsyat. i told her, maybe she can use that previous muwajih's suggestion; to take a nap for a while before continue listening. then her answer (walaupun tengah ngantuk2 tu) really struck me.

"saya kalau boleh nak tahan jugak ngantuk ni. tak sama pahala orang yang struggle mendengar dengan pahala orang yang tido time pengisian."

ngaaaa =.=
cam kena panah petir.
true enough. kadang2 boleh je nak terdetik dalam hati kalau tengah pengisian, "eishhh penat2 aku struggle tahan ngantuk. orang lain sedap je tido kat belakang", and so forth,
but then again,
tak sama jiddiyah mereka yang berbeza ni.

worst, bila kita saja2 minta keizinan, and beri keizinan untuk diri sendiri.

verses 41- 50 at- taubah really describe the situation well.

Orang-orang yang beriman kepada Allah dan hari kemudian, tidak akan meminta izin kepadamu untuk tidak ikut berjihad dengan harta dan diri mereka. Dan Allah mengetahui orang-orang yang bertakwa.
Sesungguhnya yang akan meminta izin kepadamu, hanyalah orang-orang yang tidak beriman kepada Allah dan hari kemudian, dan hati mereka ragu-ragu, karena itu mereka selalu bimbang dalam keraguannya.

Di antara mereka ada orang yang berkata: "Berilah saya keizinan (tidak pergi berperang) dan janganlah kamu  menjadikan saya terjerumus dalam fitnah". Ketahuilah bahwa mereka telah terjerumus ke dalam fitnah. Dan sesungguhnya Jahannam itu benar-benar meliputi orang-orang yang kafir.

and in an- Nisa: 

  

"Tidaklah sama keadaan orang-orang yang duduk (tidak turut berperang) dari kalangan orang-orang yang beriman selain daripada orang-orang yang ada keuzuran dengan orang-orang yang berjihad dijalan Allah dengan harta dan jiwanya. Allah melebihkan orang-orang yang berjihad dengan harta dan jiwa mereka atas orang-orang yang tinggal duduk (tidak turut berperang karena uzur) dengan kelebihan satu derajat. Dan tiap-tiap satu (dari dua golongan itu) Allah menjanjikan dengan balasan yang baik (Syurga), dan Allah melebihkan orang-orang yang berjihad atas orang-orang yang tinggal duduk (tidak turut berperang dan tidak ada uzur) dengan pahala yang amat besar." (QS An-Nisa 95)  

huuuu.

astaghfirullah, astaghfirullah, astaghfirullah.

above all, may all is well insyaallah.

tak penah ada pengalaman banjir2 camni. alhamdulillah ada housemate yg selalu face mende2 camni :)

cuteness overload

nak rambling kejap.

kadang- kadang, Allah bagi kita ketenangan dengan cara yang kita tak sangka.

contoh:

dah dekat tengah malam. kena jugak balik rumah lepas habis meeting sebab kena submit report the next day. naik teksi, Allah bagi taxi driver yg sangat comel.

not of his looks, tapi his attitude.

1. masuk2 je taxi, dia greet dengan suara yg agak high pitch. then he said, "dingin ya~". he's indeed friendly, giving comments here and there, tapi tak annoying.
2. as i care much about scents, teksi tu sangat wangi. he uses glade btw.
3.what caught my attention the most:  ada figurine kat dashboard~~! you know how taxi drivers take care of their ride like their own? the taxi itself represents the drivers' personality. ada dua figurine. satu human cam watak kartun ape tah. satu lagi figurine singa laut yang agak besar :)  comel2.
4. actually atas dashboard tu ada macam2. ada cd lagu yg tak ori (burn/ donwloaded kot?). pastu ada tisu poket. usually taxi akan pakai tisu kotak. then noticed yg dia cam flu. haha.
5. dia duduk sangatla ke depan. unusual punya depan. sampai belakang driver's seat tu sangat2 la luas. passenger's seat normal je.
6. nama dia comel. Rikki~! (tengok kat taxi licence).


ok. tu je nak cakap.

above all, rasa tenang bila otw balik rumah alhamdulillah.

back to work :)

to you

around this time last year, He taught me something really important through a dear friend of mine.

about missing/ loving/ caring for someone,

that is, because of Allah.


when you've travelled nearly sixteen thousand kilometres across the continent,
who would have thought that you're only seeing that person less than one day in total actually.
a little bit of minutes here and there, frantic few minutes phone call in the middle of winter night before the battery went out, the short taxi ride together from the port to her home, a brief welcome into the house before falling asleep in her room, waking up knowing that you're not going to see her till later date.
worst, out of thousand pictures from the trip, you only found two photos of you with her.
one is blurry, shameful enough to be shared with people. another is a group photo.
in short, there's nothing exclusive.

there's always excuses, other priority and duties that take the person away.

sounds jealous?

thought so. at first.

but there's this thing,

called ukhuwwah fillah.

being a friend to someone doesn't mean that we have to own him/ her.

if we care or love enough, we'll let that person go because we know that he/ she is running towards His ridha.

You're selfish if you try to make her feel guilty for not staying with you all the time.

who are we to stop others from trying to gain His rahmah?

if you realize that the person is doing her best to enter His jannah, are you going to just watch with those selfishness contained in you?

while others are sacrifing their jasad, some others need to sacrifice their emotion.


ever heard of al- Khansa' bin Amru?
she's that very woman who sent her four sons to be a martyr in the battle of Qadisiyah.
ordinary moms will be reluctant to do so.
but indeed, she's extraordinary.
there's a comment from a book, about this great woman,

"Oleh kerananya, siapapun yang tidak mempunyai fondasi ma'rifatullah dalam dirinya, ia akan sulit untuk memperoleh ketenangan, kedamaian, kebahagiaan dan kejayaan hakiki. Jika kita semakin mengenal siapa Allah, maka akan terasa semakin kecil nilai makhluk."

- AaGym, Meraih Bening Hati Dengan Manajemen Qolbu -

maybe the previous story of mine is a very tiny comparison to the great story of Khansa'.
but then, i couldn't help to think,
even if this tiny test from Allah couldn't I pass through, what's there to be like Khansa'?

family and friends of us is not our property.
they're Allah's right from the very beginning,
Allah lend them to us, to bring us closer to Him. not trying to take them away from Him (if you can do so :P )

this episode really opened up my eyes.
caring for someone is to care that Allah will care for she/he more.
your 'care' doesn't count if it comes along with your own selfishness, insensible jealousy and the urge to keep someone for your own self, hindering her/ him to do what they're supposed to do with this life.

though with teary eyes you bid farewell to her
never knowing when you all will meet again,
there's always these words that will sooth the hearts.

"Jumpa lagi nanti. kalau bukan kat sini, kat syurga nanti insyaallah."

with that,
though you're thousand miles apart,

you will always have the faith
that the other person is also striving their best to obtain the ticket to enter His jannah.

p/s: semoga allah sayang awak lebih dari kami semua sayangkan awak. happy birthday~!

for Ghazah...

def: Gaza.

my prayer goes to you. To us. To all Muslims in the world.

Jakarta's entering its rainy season.
I love rainy days.
but, do you, my brothers and sisters in Ghazah enjoy rainy days as much as I do here?
it must be chilly there. It's going to be cold season soon. Are you alright over there?



the other day my brothers and sisters, we talked about our ambitions.
we talk about careers, businesses, job opportunities, life years ahead.
we want to be specialists, we want to be owner of businesses outside our course of study, we want to  own properties, we want to many many things.

some are plain ridiculous.
like owning a ballet club and have quranic circle with ballerinas (apekah?), having a classical orchestra full of akhawats with one as a violinist or pianist, another as cello player, opening a cafe with one volunteered to be the baker and another wants to be the manager, and so many ridiculous things.
just like childhood times, where we imagine things and laugh back at our own idiotic dreams.
it's fun. because we rarely talk about our dream regarding careers especially.

but what struck me the most,
is how deeply we actually believe, confident and trust in Allah that Islam will be at the top again one day. (semoga keyakinan ni makin mendalam dan tak hilang).
when we think logically about businesses that we wanna do, careers that we want to have, it's different now talking about it compared to the time when we know nothing about tarbiyah.
as we ridiculously or logically think about our dreams or what we ought to do,
we always keep in mind about how it's going to actually help the ummah, what is the prospect of a job or a service when the population of Muslim (or people who support Islam) years ahead multiplies?
say, we wanna own airline company so that it's going to help our means for dakwah & tarbiyah. Because we believe that one day, the number of people in This Path will be a whole lot more than today. discounts for jaulah, further discounts for muwajih to travel. cute much :)

enough blabbering.
the point is, we, I deeply believe that Islam will be on top again one day.
be it in our time, or the time of our great great grandchildren.
for now, let's strongly do our part bearing this in mind because Abbasiyah wasn't built in a day :)

to my brothers and sisters in Ghazah, Suriah, Rohingya and all corners of the world,
though we might not hold weapons side by side with you defending the land of our ummah,
and our contribution might be small,
but I pray to Allah that these will be the bricks that will build again the era that we once had.
Let's put our trust solely in Allah's promise.
Let's be strong together, in the name of Allah.