sickness parameter

we know we're sick when we woke up at 2am after only 3 hours sleep only to find out that we're going to throw up the lunch we ate at the cafe.

we know we're sick when every hour after that, we still woke up again and again, only to throw up everything that's inside our gastrointestinal tract.

we know we're sick when finally, the yellowish green liquid is vomitted, drained into the sink.

we know we need to seek the doctor when we dont know what else to do, scary thoughts running into our head as if we might die the next time we throw up, we dont know what's the right medication to take because we're too afraid of the side effects like what we learnt in pharmacology classes. we just know that we need to seek the doctor. immediately.


i wonder if our Iman's parameter is just like that.

if the parameter is so obvious, screaming to you that now you're in a low state of Iman, giving you external signals as blinding as the sunlight, you must be hurriedly taking your wudhu', perform a prayer or something, reciting the Quran verses or crying and crying, regretting your wrong doings day and night.

unfortunately, the reality isnt like that.

some might just too carried away, their Iman is being chronically ill day by day. it's not acute, it's just chronic. the signs are there, the simptoms are there, but maybe too vague for the blind hearts to see.

maybe that's the reason why we should do medical checkups once in a while.

that's the reason why we should muhasabah more and more than we're doing physical examinations.

Have they not travelled through the land, and have they hearts wherewith to understand and ears wherewith to hear? Verily, it is not the eyes that grow blind, but it is the hearts which are in the chest that grow blind. (QS: al- Hajj:46)

p/s: still in the state of healing though. jazakillahu khairan katseera to housemates, Tigers, sisters n sesapa je la. Allah je yg boleh balas budi baik + doa kalian :)

rubik's philosophy.

it's the Rubik's cube.

invented by Erno Rubik, born Hungarian, a sculptor.

sampai sekarang saya tak tahu nak solve kan kotak rubik ni.
Before, i'm amazed by watching people solving it. seriously my utter respect goes to them. Tabik sangat2. but then, many manyyy people around me can solve it. Later i discovered that there's a technique solving it. Laa... kalau belajar, memangla boleh.

btw, what i wrote in this only valid for those yang berjaya solvekan cube ni by their own mind & susah-payah, bukannya utk orang2 yang berjaya sebab hafal step2 nak solvekan je. I learned it tak sampai halfway pun. then saya taknak dah. this is not my type of game. saya yakin kalau saya belajar sampai habis, mesti saya pun boleh solve kan macam org lain gak (trying to be optimist).



i watched something. discussing about the cube (bukan cube dalam transformers tu.ini Rubik's). The very thing that makes the cube is different from others is how you're going to solve it. there's 6 surfaces, and each move you make will affect others. while you might succeed in clearing a line or a surface, you have to bear in mind that the others might be randomly colourful. you solved one part, but the others are not. kalau nak solvekan semua sekali betul2, we have to consider the others, taking steps that will also affect the others positively. simultaneous changes in many parts are required, and the changes are on going, until all of the surfaces are solved. until your aim are reached.

kadang-kadang kita dah rasa selesa dengan satu- satu keadaan tu, padahal itu mungkin bukan yang terbaik untuk kita. sedikit perubahan pada zon selesa itu perlu, supaya kita akan lebih dekat dengan matlamat kita. perubahan itu mungkin akan affect orang- orang yang berada di sekeliling kita, tapi moga- moga perubahan itu kepada yg lebih baik. bila dah selesa kembali, berubah lagi untuk yang lebih baik. selesa lagi, berubah lagi. selesa lagi, berubah lagi. the cycle will goes on, until matlamat kita yg sebenar tercapai. eh. bukan cycle sebenarnya, tapi saya rasa lebih menyerupai sebuah tangga. sampai satu stage, ada perubahan yang diperlukan. kemudian naik lagi tangga baru, dan kita makin mendekati matlamat kita.

matlamat apa?

tepuk dada, tanya iman.

wait till you're older

just came back from a talk, more to a sharing i think, from a clinical student, already finished her studies, ready to be back for good, entitled 'muslim doctor'.
while the 1st part a fortnight ago wasnt touch deeply about the life as a clinical student (here we call it co-as as in coassisstant of a doc), this second part was really helpful and give us quite images of the life as a clinical student. i'm really grateful to be given the chance by Him to be there to listen :)

i respect her because she has a way to care for her patients, her own stand to talk to others when she knows things arent right, in terms of hospital's rules, ethics, and yes, the syariat. The hard truth is that more and more people today started to give a sly look on doctors or other medical practicers. and who's there to be blamed? they temselves la. because of what? maybe some of the patients are just overreacting, which pushed them to end up in a court, suing for malpractices, but still, many of the sly looks received because of the attitude of doctors themselves. Since am a student of medicine myself, many times i went to see the doctor, and many times also i spoke to myself 'i dont want to be like this doctor.' sorry to say, they dont gain my respect. mungkin ape la sangat utk dapat respect dari saya, but still, i'm also a part of the society, which seek treatment from the same doctors also.
Listening more and more of the sharing, I feel like i cant patiently wait to be a doctor, or at least a clinical years student, so that I could be the 'walking ideal doctor' that the society wanna see.
or so i thought.

to think of it again, it's still isnt my time to be one.
biarla seyakin mana pun saya, it still isnt my time yet.
kenapa uni susah2 buat medical course sampai 5 or 6 tahun kalo dia tahu students boleh jadi doctor yg mantap by only 2 or 3 years. mesti ada reason/ things yg dorang nak develope kat students in that period of course.
pernah dengar cerita rama- rama yg tak sabar nak keluar kepompong utk terbang padahal dia blum cukup matang lagi?
last2 rama2 tu terbang kejap je, then jatuh sbb metamorphosis dia actually still blum complete.



'Wait till you're older'
have u seen this movie?
it's cantonese, i watched it years back.
about a boy, who cant wait to b an adult.
his wish granted, but he quickly become older and older day by day, until at one point, he's older than his own dad. it's saddening because he cant turn back the time.

apa yg saya nak cakap kat sini is that,
everything has its own hikmah/ lesson. you cant skip a stage of your life, but you have to undergo all of it, accordingly. appreciate one that you're in now, take as many lessons as you can, then move ahead to the next level with them.
every mark you left is a part of your journey, and makes up who you are today, or in the future.

p/s: cant wait for part 3 comes. hope there'll b more sniors willing to share :)

caterpillars and optimism

mak called me.

a news about caterpillars attack that hit west jakarta (my residence) was published in BH yesterday (14th april). thousands of caterpillars~! i never knew bout that, though the site was not more than 1km from my house. still, alhamdulillah i didnt found any caterpillars around my house (maybe we're not eco-friendly enough since we dont plant any trees. huhuhu~).

at the time mak called, few friends were at my house. I told them the funny reason of my mom's calling. Some were shocked also, some laughed. "Cerita ulat bulu kat jakarta pun nak masuk paper kat mlysia :p" and some other funny remarks from them.

then another asked, with an innocent face,
" bukan ulat bulu ke yg akan jadi rama- rama nanti?"
some answered no, some other said yes. me, i'll go for a yes.
then i dont know how, but we just dropped the subject.

thinking bout my friend's question again and again, i'm amazed at how optimist she was. she doesnt look at the problem right now, but she's already visualised the future. how the caterpillar will becomes a butterfly one day. while everyone endlessly was too caught talking bout the caterpillars, she's already talking about the butterflies. i wonder how beautiful the world is in front of her eyes :)



i believe, (by sunnatullah) that the caterpillar will become a butterfly one day. since incik google stated that a caterpillar's metamorphosis to a butterfly only takes plus minus a fortnight, i seriously looking forward for the next few weeks to see butterflies sway gracefully around my neighbourhood :)

you changed how i view the problem.

and makes me anticipate more and more of beautiful days ahead.

jazakillahu khair :)


p/s: i once asked a classmate of mine, why she loves butterfly so much. she answered,"they simbolizes freedom, but also fragility." i couldnt agree more with that insight :)

somniloquy

def: sleeptalking.

"Hang mimpi apa malam tadi?"

"ehhh? tak tau."

"malam tadi hang cakap2."

(monolog dalaman) "erk. serius tak ingat apa2. Tak pernah2 pulak orang cakap aku ngigau malam2".


******

Somniloquy (sleeptalking).

it may be caused by anxiety, stress, fever, or mental health ilness.

stress, anxiety, mental health ilness.

teruk sangat ke belajar sampai stress sangat?
banyak sangat ke bekerja sampai kepala serabut?
tak cukup sangat ke masa sampai tak sempat nak straighten up your thoughts?

above all, these are all symptoms je.
the real working diagnosis?
your level of Iman right now.

saya taknak tanya apa khabar jasad awak sekarang sebab physically semua org memang worn out bila bertubi-tubi exam datang.
tapi,
apa khabar iman awak sekarang?

sebab, iman manifested on your health, emotion, mental health.

biarla sibuk mana pun kita, tapi kalau kita jaga hubungan kita dengan Allah, mesti tenang je.

our only and our best salvation is Him.




makanya,


apa khabar mutabaah amal awak minggu ni?

.