Sharing happiness?

I think I'm learning it the hard way. Bits by bits.
People nowadays easily shared their happiness via all sorts of social media.
Too fast. No more loading photos. It's scrolling up and down the newsfeed nowadays.
But there are also friendly reminders to all us fortunate.

Don't upload your foodporn photos for many others are starving.
Don't share your steering wheel photos of your luxurious car for some don't even have a ride to tarawikh prayers in mosque.
Don't upload photos of you're being warded, for all you wanted to show is how expensive your hospital you're in.
Don't easily post your selfies for some are very inferior with how the world is judging them, therefore altering their self photos to look good for the eyes of human.
Please reconsider to put up your nice family photos in social medias or shared it with people outside your family members for, well.. some don't even have a family anymore.
Some were celebrating aidilfitri far from home.
Some just... Maybe wish they could have a family like that. Be a part of the photos.

I don't know where or when I had offended people or created unnecessary feelings by what I uploaded or share.
Please forgive me.
You.
World.

Easy sorry

People make mistakes.

Openly, discreetly.

Towards his self, towards a friend, towards people.

Sorry uttered.
Some said it easily. Like the flowing river.
Saying it again and again, but the meaning of the word only ends between the lips, never the wrong's heart.

It is meaningless when it's an empty sorry.

Without desire to be better, without a want to change the situation.
Without any thought of doesnt want to repeat the same hurtful feeling that we cause to other ever again.

A teacher once taught me a hard lesson.
He hit my hand with a thick roll of paper loudly in the class. He walked so fast to the teachers' room, making me running before him. I apologize to him again and again because i fell asleep during his class.
Then he said "thousand times sorry are not enough!"
Thinking hard of what to say in the nick of time, i hold the door which he intended to slam in front of me "i promise not to fall asleep again. I promise to do better during your lesson. I promise to get good result in your subject".
He said nothing, but i can see he's calmed a bit, and he shut the door slowly, leaving me apalled at the school's corridor.
From that day until I finished my secondary school, I do not fall asleep again in his class, and it took me lots of strength.

That was the day when i learn that saying sorry is not enough. It is meaningless when we repeat the same mistake again, because it's just an empty word that we said.

Do not hurt people by just your sorry, because it's going to hurt much more when you repeat the same mistake, and when the situation from before doesnt seem improving.

True, we shouldnt live by people's expectation.
But please, make what we said is meaningful, and sound.

Some will still love you much eventhough they are hurt.
But have some pride to prove yourself worthy,
Because
There is no truer word other than the act of the speaker.

Word, always is coupled with attitude.

a book club?

the first train passed by without me, intentionally not riding it..

it's so full and I don't have the need to rush  because it's my off day. I continue reading a book that i bring along.

the next train comes, and from outside of the glass window i can tell that it's also full.. the station officer announces that the next train will come unfortunately only after 15 minutes. tired of waiting and i want to go home to see special someone as fast as i can, i board the train right in front of me and get into the women coach.

it's a crowded morning train as always. no empty seat. i stand, and decided to continue reading while standing in the middle of the crowd. jolts from the train don't stop me from reading. stations passed, the train is getting more and more crowded, until i don't even have the space to open my book to read. so i close it and hold it tight, while my finger still wedge between the pages to mark.

someone tapped my shoulder. without thinking, i turned my head and a petite woman smiled at me.
"mumblesmumblesmumbles".. eh? i don't hear a thing. she repeats,"minat membaca?"
oohh.. haha. yups.. and she introduced a pocket version of La Tahzan book.. and the taaruf went on and on..

we're of the same age, but she's a newly wed just 2 months before. she's excited to know that i come from neighbouring country. she commutes everyday to sell food, to support her family. no chance of continuing her studies due to financial problem, but she seems calm and grateful with her current life. i don't know why, but discreetly i feel inferior to her. it seems like my education level, financial state and other worldly things are nothing compared to how He chose her, and she looked ridha and content with what she has right now. her serene face and sweet demeanor results in us exchanging phone numbers, bid farewell while hugging each other tightly, like we've known each other long before.

I reached my destination first before her.
and I alight the train with a happy heart because He, through the woman, just made my day..
As always  :)

First row

Cukuplah ganjaran Allah yg membuat kita bergerak berlumba- lumba ke hadapan.

Cukuplah janji-janji Allah yg membuat kita sanggup bersentuh bahu bersama yg lain di dalam saf yg sama.

Cukuplah kemenangan Islam membuat kita rela mengikut imam yg satu.

Cukuplah syurga Allah yang membuat kita meninggalkan pekerjaan yg melalaikan untuk sujud bertemu Dia.

Tiada itsar dalam ibadah.

Kita tak mahu menjadi orang yg rugi.

masking emotions

some show up strong, indifferent face to cover torn hearts hiding behind.

they might seem cold, heartless.

they choose not to expose what they feel for fear of their reputation.

namely, status as a doctor, or anyone with authority.

empathy, as what we always trained to be, is never the same as sympathy.

the way you express it is different.

in this psych rotation, we try to uncover scathed souls.
 to delved with their personalities, their thoughts and problems. 
one might not be able to avoid the circumstances where a patient's situation touches our hearts.
the care, concern and endless support from family..
how old couples still going strong taking care of their mentally disordered but growing old child.
some doctors quickly dismiss dramas in front of their eyes.
some did it because they couldn't care much. no empathy whatsoever.
but to think kindly of them, one might think they did it for fear of breaking their own hearts after watching such care and concern and so-called 'drama'.

there's this situation that i had..
when in polyclinic for psych, an old man and woman came in.. aging more than half of the decade, bringing their son, which is older than me. mentally retarded but getting better, the son couldnt take care of himself without his parents' help.
the father taking out a note that the father prepared, consisting of his son behaviour at home.
neatly written, he read it out loud with tremors as he himself is getting old..
the doctor quickly cuts the father down, discontinuing what the father wanted to read...
then the father took out another note that had his son's medication names and dosage.
the doctor acted like previously. and me watching couldnt help but to pity the father's effort.
but when they're out of the room.. the doctor said, ''i pity them actually.. i couldnt think of who's going to take care of the son when the parents are pass away.."
then i realized that the doctor actually do sympathize with them..

but then this dear friend of mine says..
"why didnt he show his emotion or empathy or sympathy whatsoever in front of them instead of talking about it behind their back?
the patient and the parent wouldnt know that the doctor actually do empathized with them..because what they saw in front of them is a doctor who cut out what the father tried to say, and with no feelings at all..what's the use of talking about it afterward.. "

and that made me think..

though we might want to hide our emotion because we want to gain people's respect or securing our reputation, sometimes we have to show them, just because.
warm hearts enliven other's too.
cold hearts shut the other's down.

psychiatry is not easy.

so as treating souls.

.

berlapang dada to itsar

وَالَّذِينَ تَبَوَّؤُوا الدَّارَ وَالْإِيمَانَ مِن قَبْلِهِمْ يُحِبُّونَ مَنْ هَاجَرَ إِلَيْهِمْ وَلَا يَجِدُونَ فِي صُدُورِهِمْ حَاجَةً مِّمَّا أُوتُوا وَيُؤْثِرُونَ عَلَى أَنفُسِهِمْ وَلَوْ كَانَ بِهِمْ خَصَاصَةٌ وَمَن يُوقَ شُحَّ 

 نَفْسِهِ فَأُوْلَئِكَ هُمُ الْمُفْلِحُون

Dan orang-orang yang telah menempati kota Madinah dan telah beriman (Anshor) sebelum (kedatangan) mereka (Muhajirin), mereka (Anshor) 'mencintai' orang yang berhijrah kepada mereka (Muhajirin). Dan mereka (Anshor) tiada menaruh keinginan dalam hati mereka terhadap apa-apa yang diberikan kepada mereka (Muhajirin); dan mereka mengutamakan (orang-orang Muhajirin), atas diri mereka sendiri, sekalipun mereka dalam kesusahan. Dan siapa yang dipelihara dari kekikiran dirinya, mereka itulah orang orang yang beruntung 

(Al Hasyr : 9)

satu. 

belum apa-apa dah mencintai saudara mereka yang bakal datang.

hanya bekal dengan iman je yg hubungkan mereka. 

tak perlu program taakhi, tak perlu taaruf berjela- jela, tak perlu games ukhuwwah. 

dua.

tak harapkan apa- apa pun dari mereka yang datang.

buah tangan? tak perlu. datang je dengan hati yang gembira, dengan apa adanya.

sedia menerima.

tiga.

mereka mengutamakan yang datang instead of diri sendiri.

biar diri kurang, yang penting muhajirin cukup. 

tak sanggup tengok saudara sendiri kekurangan.

empat.

Allahu :(

dorang pelihara diri dari jadi kedekut. that is why mereka jadi org beruntung.

wuwuwuwuwuuuuuuuu.

satu ayat. cukuplah. nangis banyak :(

tu belum lagi baca banyak2 apa yg ansar dah sacrifice utk muhajirin =.=

pengsan banyak.

kalau sikit- sikit pun berkira, cemana nk tolong org kat Gaza? buat rally sikit dah mengeluh panas segala macam. padahal dorg kat sana rumah pun takde. nak apa lagi?

Of death

Salam alaik.

Revolving in hospitals for nearly a year right now.
ICUs, emergency units, operation theatres.
Old people, adolescents, babies.

Social networks sure make news travel fast.
She's in a comma, he's involved in traffic accident.
She's found dead, he's in stage 4 of cancer.
Young age never be a warantee.

Seeing, hearing, knowing.
sometimes thought crosses our mind that we dont wanna die like this, like that.
But we'll never be sure of how we gonna die.

"we all gonna die.whether it's by apache, or cardiac disease. I prefer the apache", said a figure.

By probability stated by a person, "we're going to die while doing things that we usually do."

Ye la. Kalau 24 jam main game, of course probability tinggi utk mati time main game.
Kalau 24 jam travelling, so it's while travelling la kan.
And so forth.

Kita abid, kita khalifah.
If kita tengah buat what we supposed to do, so that's it.

Above all, let's pray for husnul khatimah.
Tapi, our daily lives to kene make sure betul la kan.
Fufufufu~

P/s: it's been ages since last post. Ada kat instagram anyway.

The silence is too loud

Giving more time to think, to reevaluate, reorganise, re-everything.

When silence is deafening,
When their happy is too loud,
When the mind keeps running and running,

Just remember Him.
You should not feel alone.

Occupying one's thought with something is better than nothing.
Occupying it with meaningful things is better than pessimism.
Occupying it with Him is better than any other things.

Seriously basirah.

Get up and move.

all the right reason is Him

Yang dimaksud dengan ukhuwwah adalah terikatnya hati dan ruhani dengan ikatan aqidah. Aqidah adalah sekukuh-kukuh ikatan dan semulia- mulianya. 

Al- Akh yang tulus melihat saudara- saudaranya yang lain lebih utama daripada dirinya sendiri, kerana dia, jika tidak bersama mereka, tidak dapat bersama yang lain. Sementara mereka, jika tidak dengan dirinya, dapat bersama orang lain. Seorang mukmin dengan mukmin lainnya ibarat sebuah bangunan, yang satu mengukuhkan yang lain.

Imam HAB.

what's inside?

bagaimana..
buya Hamka mampu menghabiskan 5 juzuk alquran tiap hari.
bagaimana..
dia mampu untuk sentiasa memegang alquran, sering dibaca, menjadi selingan tiap waktu.

bagaimana..
saat kematian isterinya, dia menambah dari 5 juzuk alquran tiap hari kepada 7 juzuk tiap hari.
karena dia takut,
kecintaannya kepada isteri selama ini melebihi cintanya kepada Allah.


sepatutnya dan memang seharusnya
kita penuhkan hati dan kepala kita dengan Allah.
bukan yang lain.



*menangis banyak-banyak*

come

just,

come.

even you don't know the reason you're coming.

come,
even if you claim that you don't have the reason to come

come,

just come.

because it means much more to a person than what you think.

.

spread the love

this post meant to be written last april =.=
heeee. anyways.

finally the day has come when i got the chance to be active again in the field, namely playing handball and futsal.
ok. 
dulu kat sekolah memang tak boleh duduk diam. and selalu main bola ngan sedara2 yang semuanya laki.  
it's a competition actually. so ada la teams, referees, cheers and all.
ada yang main kasar, ada yang tak puas hati, ada yang rasa tak aci.

ada lagi, yang marah2 referee :)

yang comelnya, bila sorang ni jerit kat referee,
"eyy dorang main kasar la. patut foul~!!!" dengan semangatnya dia jerit. yang sorang lagi kat tepi dia dok tenangkan teman nih. banyak kali jugak dia rasa opponent main ganas and berlaku ketidakadilan kat situ. sebab dia memang player netball handball dan sebagainya jadi dia cam yakin la dengan rules yang dia tahu. so banyak kali gakla dia shout kat referee.
yang referee pun comel ja. sebab tak biasa jadi referee, so ampunkanla dia sikit~

yang menariknya, si teman yg suka shout kat referee ni bila dia dah tenang balik and reflect again, she dropped a wisdom.

"saya jerit2 tegur dorang main ganas sebab kita sayang akhawat kita. kita sayang orang yang sama2 dengan kita. 

Kan bagus kalau kita sangat2 rasa benda tu sampai kita rasa nak tegur and lawan je balik semua orang yang bunuh sedara2 muslim kita lain kat sana tu."

jawdropped.

Be real larr

Romantic.

definition:  having no basis in fact : imaginary  : impractical in conception or plan : visionary : marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealized.


when people search for escapism instead of realism,
they'll never satisfied with what had been given to him.

idolization of love stories from movies/ dramas,  imagining oneself as the helpless heroin of the story, etc doesn't make one's life better.

it's your own life, so you're the one who's going to save your own self.
do not be weak, do not be helpless, because He created you as someone strong.
as the one who cluelessly accept the responsibilities that even the mountain can't hold, even all other creatures cannot withstand.

you, by default, isn't as weak as you think you are.

stand high to uphold your purpose of life. bow low to the One who created you.


.

Just a yellow lime

Met this young boy during the weekend, visiting his younger brother. 11 years old, not afraid of strangers. Without hesitation, he kept pestering asking to borrow anyone's laptop to play games. And of course i dont succumb to his demand :)
Borak2 ngan dia sangat menarik.
Walaupun tengah sangat sedih because cannot go back to gather with the lovelies for the weekend, Allah sent me this boy to make my oncall day and night brighter.
And also the monday next :)
Then he gave me this limau out of nowhere.
Weheuuu~ ^_^

masalah umat lagi besar

a text came.


"semalam, ade.......... (and problems told).

maaf la bashu. Mesir tengah sibuk berperang tapi saya duk qadaya mende camni,... "


kecomelan.

dalam musim2 macam ni, bukan sekali dapat text yg kurang lebih begini.


tersentuh,

bila ramai sebenarnya yang mengerti. masalah hati yang memang suka bolak balik ni lebih kecil dari masalah umat yg haru biru sekarang.

sebab tu,

mukmin tu jiwa dia harus besaaaarrr.
sebab hal- hal lain ni takkan mengecilkan hati dia. sebab jiwa dia seluas lautan.

ingat.

masalah umat lagi besar dari masalah emo2 kite ni.

dot.

dependency

takut

nak buat satu2 decision bila rasa belum cukup dekat dengan Allah



allahu.


=.=

Headstrong

One might regards it as ego, one might say it's herself born as a headstrong person.

Pernah orang kata saya ego tinggi.bukan pernah. Banyak kali.
Dont know whether it is gone or not, tapi dah jarang dengar.
Sekarang selalu dengar keras kepala. Headstrong.

Imagine you're working with more than a handful headstrong women for a couple of months. How the so-called 'headstrong' woman even deal with it.

But there's this thing called 'principle'.
What makes her stands her ground. What colours her mind, the very same thing will colours her acts.
However her mind is losing its tract, her act will seem like a person losing her values, her principles.
Hilang punca.
To make things clear, i'm talking about fikrah islam here.

Susah bila lost di tengah2 fikrah yang belum clear.
Susah bila terpaksa rewind balik memories, of how we dealt with things during our early years of tarbiyah.the part where we see ourselves better than these days.
The part of our better selves that we never want to lose.

Tapi tu la.
Jangan pernah buruk sangka dengan allah. Allah memang sediakan the best situation for us to live on. Jangan pernah salahkan situation, jangan pernah salahkan orang lain.
Tarbiyah perlu diperjuangkan. Bukan jatuh dari langit tiba2, bukan ada depan mata tanpa doa n usaha.
Every kedegilan yg kita ada, degil la utk tarbiyah.
Every ego yg kita ada, put it up high for allah.
Every kekerasan kepala yg kita ada, sekeras itu jugakla semangat and hati kita untuk dapat tarbiyah dari allah.
Allah takkan bagi segala sifat yang kita ada tu untuk jatuhkan kita. Sebab deen ni lah yang memuliakan kita selama ni.

Jangan pernah hilang!
Jangan pernah putus asa!
Jangan pernah buruk sangka dengan Allah dan orang lain.

You strut and fret on This path, tapi jangan pernah pilih jalan lain.
Bila Allah beri rasa, bila Allah lempar tali2 hidayah Dia, jangan pernah ignore. Jangan pernah rasa malas nak grab.
Peluk kuat2 rasa tu, pegang erat2 tali tu, like it is the last one that He'll give to you.

Sebab,

Waktu itu hidup.

titanium

really describes her well.

meet Titania Aleta, a very cute and strong 5 years old girl.

though agak kurang ethical di sini because am mentioning real name of a patient, tapi nama dia comel :)

i first met her during my jaga malam shift in the emergency unit near midnight. so basically i'm the first person she met, taking her history and doing physical examinations on her. sangat comell. with her fair skin,  curly hair and sort of quiet nature and all. sangat tak menyusahkan orang.
after the oncall doctor checked her, she needs to be admitted for dengue fever.
 and i told my friend yg jaga ward that night, that i volunteer to do daily follow ups and p.e. on titania.

dia tak mengeluh sikit pun kalau nak wat p.e. kalau sakit pun, dia tak cakap (because nak cepat balik? tak bagus gak sbnrnye.huhu). tapi seriously, compared to many other kids yg suka nangis2, with her memg buat p.e.sungguh2 from head to toe because she let me. and her mom pun sangat baik.hari2 borak, and it will make the 'edukasi pasien' part easier because our conversations keep flowing, without being strained by positions whatsoever. but titania remains shy and quiet and just tenungg je if i tried making conversation with her.

about a week jugak she's warded. on her last few days, cam lawak la bila mak dia cakap "dokter2 pada cantik2 semua. titania mau bawa pulang satu."
that really made my day.
not the cantik part, but part bawak balik tuh. kalo bawak balik then nak buat apa? lawak betul la adik ni :P

after she's getting better, she's out from hospital, and i also ended my rotation week in ward and in charge on policlinic pulak.
while busy doing history taking and p.e.on other waiting kids, i hear familiar voice calling out. "dokter cantik.dokter cantik." memula tak pandang,then a person touched  me. ooh mak titania rupenye.
rasa cam sangat happyyy because she still remembers me. and i'm wearing mask kot masa tu because of flu. then i look for shy titania yg berdiri next to her mom. then her mom said, "titania yg nampak dulu dokter and remembered. she asked me to call you." haaa comel sungguh titania.
looking good wearing pink dress, titania salam n cium tangan, and we talked a bit. still malu2, but she smiled a lot.

she came for control after being warded, and she's looking her best and well again. sangat2 hepi :)

knowing her,
allah made me realize that if we do sincerely interact with people, ikhsan and amanah towards our responsibilities, we'll be enjoying it and allah will make it enjoyable for us.

don't ever hope for people's gratifications. human never satisfies others. it's only Him, that are the best rewarder of all.

wallahi, saya sayang Allah :)

elated

just finished my 2 days paeds exam.
exam yang mengejut sebab bajet hari rabu. ahad malam tido cam separuh mati after on call. tau2 tengah sambut baby dalam operation room tiba2 dorang cakap i have to go to the ward, taking exam right after that.
kepala kosong. seluas langit biru yang takde awan. so rasa stress takde, just taking the exam dengan perasaan kosong.
alhamdulillah, Allah bagi rasa tu instead of rasa gelabah.

for weeks jakarta sejuk. hujan tiap2 hari.
and i'm happy.
settle exam for this long 10 weeks rotation alhamdulillah. very2 kind paediatrician, so whatever the result that He have in store for me, the process isn't that stressful.

banyak nak cerita pasal my long rotation ni.
soalan yang sangat2 nak tanya kat 5 paediatricians that become our tutor for this rotation is this,
"kenapa doktor nak jadi spesialis anak, even though sangatla perlu kritikal n menuntut everything."
i love my examiner. muda, not that old from my older sis. habis exam tadi, she asked what did i get from this 10 weeks. and what i still wanna know. cerita punya cerita, out of 5 tutors, i already got 1 answer from her.
her answer is simple. she said lebih kurang camni la. "sebab saya tak puas hati dengan time saya klinikal paeds dulu. banyak sangat main2. sebab tu cam nak tebus balik by being a specialist. itu pun actually cam tak puas hati lagi. kena amik subspe.baru puas hati kot."

she is soo human. banyak lagi her flaws yg she told me during borak2 after exam tu.
and more and more i realize, that we are all human.
selama ni slalu cam sangat kagum dengan 5 orang specialists nih. manalaa dorang dapat kekuatan untuk jadi dedicated sangat2 tuh (of course Allah yg bagi sebenarnya). sebab tu nak sangat tahu kenapa dorg nak amik paeds.

through this 10 long weeks (though still have few more days to go), saya sangat banyak belajar pasal manusia.  yang memang allah cipta banyak2 ragam. yang memang allah cipta untuk uji kita. yang memang allah cipta suruh kita kenal and belajar.

makanya, saya lagi banyak belajar pasal life dari ilmu paeds tu sndiri, insyaallah.
huahuahua~~~

and oh! banyak juga kanak2 comel dalam dunia ni rupanya.
and tak semena2 fon tiba2 ada gambar babies yang menarik2 post SC. hihi.

laters.

salam alaik.

gear up full throttle for the remainings of ramadhan~!

dunia takkan pernah puas.

takut.

bila macam kene telan ngan dunia.

takut.

bila fikirkan diri sendiri lebih dari orang lain.

takut.

bila hanya tahu nak selamatkan kepentingan dunia, berbanding kepentingan akhirah.


takut.

bila lebih fikirkan pandangan manusia dari pandangan Allah.


takut.

bila banyak hak- hak manusia dan Allah yang tak terpenuhi.





* saya tak mahu kene telan dengan dunia!*